How to......

life is nv easy...tat's for sure...n when smthg like tis happens u hav to move on....tt i noe....we all hav to go thru tis cycle of feeling totally like crap n den slowly pick urselves up again n life goes on as normal n tis whole thing will jus b a memory....but how do u make tis really torturing process go pass faster?? apart from e standard things like keeping urself busy, which i tried by doing housework n laundry n h/w n stuff....but once u sit down n let ur mind loose....e tears n memories jus hits u again....

i guess it jus makes it harder when everyone is there in spore while i'm all alone here....friends n family do help u to get thru these bad times....both of which i dun possess now....(no offence to my friends whom i jus met in syd uni).....but its jus difficult to explain n let my heart open up in such a short time?? plus i'll prob in e rebound period where i jus feel so angry n guilty tt everythg jus kinda irritates mi?? i dun really noe wat i'm feeling or tinkin rite now....jus cos i'm in e world of my own now....i can't concentrate in lectures (apart fr e fact tt one of them was really crappy!!! wif crappy notes too!!) all i hear is e lecturer's voice echoing in my brain.... n e fact tt i drank 2 large cups of coffee din help either....one of e cups was kindly given to mi by my friends in class (thanx!)

i finally got e courage to call my grandma jus now (trying not to cry in front of her)....she was obviously depressed but tried to cover it cos she tinks tt i'm still kept in e dark....so she quickly passed e phone to my aunt hu kept telling mi stuff like my grandfather left wif no pain n all tt n tt he will understand y i cant get home in time to see him n all....but here's e thing....anyone will tell mi tt too....like 'dun cry' or 'ur grandfather wants u to study hard in syd' or 'dun tink so much' blah blah blah....but wat abt wat i wan?!??!? wat do i wanna do now? i wanna b home!!! i wanna b there to say gd bye even if he was lying in e coffin....but i noe i cant....when do u tell urself tt tis is e time to listen to ur heart or listen to others?? most of e time we jus listen to wat others tell us to do but when do we decide tt it is time to do wat u wanna do? tis is e time to listen to others i guess....i cant possibly fly home anymore.....

i noe tt i'll move on at e end of e day.....it's jus e process of getting there tt sucks...i jus pray tt my grandma stays strong cos if anythg were to happen to her....i dun knoe wat i'll do....(see wat kinda rubbish is gg on in my head now??!?!?)